Did you know,
all I want is to be thin?

On Saturday it was beautiful out,
the school year almost over,
the party almost here.

A girl I knew said,“Everything’s so great right now,
so perfect.”
But I did not feel the same.

I looked around.
I felt the sun on my face,
saw the happy people,
carefree and laughing and together.
And I saw what she meant.
And it was not true for me.

Because for me there was still something wrong,
always something wrong,
shading my perception
and weighing down my joy.

Liza, I have not the freedom to be happy,
I am shackled.

I think, those who complain are ungrateful,
he who whines is weak.
But I realize I am like them.

The person is not inferior,
the challenge is great.
For ten years I’ve struggled,
and for all that I’ve not made a difference.

So what shall I do now?
Where shall my efforts go?

Do not starve for myself,
Mourn for my mother who is dead.

Do not starve for myself,
Do great things without fear.

Do not starve for myself,
Make a weighty mark on the world
by which I will be known.

But I cannot.
So how shall I help myself now?

The same way I do every time.
By doing better—
Except this time it will work.

(Source: triggermethin)

I’ve been eating pretty badly the last few days. Starting tomorrow I’m gonna only have 1200 a day for the next two or three weeks.

I had the strangest experience yesterday. I had been eating freely all day, on account of being hungry was contributing to insomnia. Around 10pm I went to the grocery store, to get whatever, and there wasn’t anything I wanted. I walked around the store and up and down a few aisles and just left. Went home and had some low cal popcorn and strawberries. How uncharacteristic. How positive.

To make up for extra food earlier, went to gym for 550 Cal, and will go tomorrow for 450. Rescheduled sushi for Friday, went to pho instead, got veggies + shrimp and didn’t eat the noodles, just had the veggies/shrimp/broth. Mostly didn’t have anything else, just some sips of my friend’s white russian and some cabbage now.

Just ate a bunch in the cafeteria. On top of what I already had today, I was fine after the apple, but then I went on to have…: 2 strips maple-syrupy bacon, ~3 or 4 bites strudel, a thing of fries, one chicken strip, ~1/3 pancake, most of a bowl of granola with some yogurt… oh ugh that’s even more than I thought. And a few bites of chicken breast and a bite of a fat sandwich.

Bf and I were supposed to go to sushi tonight, but now I dunno. Maybe if I work out enough it’ll be ok, and if we go a bit later than I was planning and if I don’t eat anything else besides the sushi for the rest of the day.

Walked quickly to get to campus and when I got to lab felt kinda shaky. It’s probably not from eating too little, I’ve been eating, just wishful thinking. Probably just from being drunk last night. I think I may not have slept too well last night because of hunger, though. Or because my bf was there, I usually don’t sleep well when he sleeps over. I dunno.

Haven’t been weighing myself, having been recording calories…hard to stop counting, though. Yesterday my boyfriend said “You’ve lost a visibly noticeable amount of weight in the past month”. I couldn’t suppress the grin that just took over my face. Though it’s probably all just water weight from not bingeing as much, not actual weight loss. Mostly… Was happy, but at the same time, if this is me after “losing a visibly noticeable amount of weight”, well then, fuck.

I don’t want to die anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m manic depressive, but all my possible symptoms of that are confounded with my binge/restrict cycles…I don’t know what causes what.

I want to die but I don’t want to die. It’d be easier to just die. But I don’t want to kill myself. I’m tired and disappointed and jaded. My boyfriend loves me to bits and I couldn’t do that to him anyway. I probably couldn’t if I was all alone, either. I’ll just secretly wilt away.

I think I’m depressed but am just too scared to let myself think about it much.